


Happier

by cxhztile



Series: Winding Roads Through Middle Earth [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Battle of Five Armies - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, OOC, Song Lyrics, real sad boy hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 13:04:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17080835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxhztile/pseuds/cxhztile
Summary: Lately, I've been, I've been thinkingI want you to be happier, I want you to be happier





	Happier

**_Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking_ **

**_I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier_ **

His legs dangled off the edge of the ice in a risky manner and each time his thick heels impacted against the steep descent, he was close to falling off completely. But it was better than facing his current problem that he was brooding over. 

Thorin just barely survived, yes, and was now awake but it would be too painful to face him. His heart was still cracked in an overabundance and his mind replaying the ill tongue from at the gate. He absentmindedly rubbed the minor bruising side of his neck and sighed heavily. It had been Eru knows how long since he last witnessed Thorin smile, which was over that silly little acorn from Beorn’s. And undoubtedly, he hadn’t been very surreptitious about his quiet visits to Thorin’s recovering bedside before the first sign that he was close to awakening. 

**_When the morning comes_ **

**_When we see what we’ve become_ **

**_In the cold light of day, we’re a flame in the wind_ **

**_Every argument, every word we can’t take back_ **

**_‘Cause with all that has happened_ **

**_I think we both know the way that the story ends_ **

He was sat fairly close to where he had last held Thorin, after he collapsed due to his wounds inflicted by Azog. There were pebbles everywhere beside the large rocks so he began to pick a few and toss them into the foggy abyss below, trying to keep his cognitive motions occupied so he wouldn’t involuntarily choke up. However, the area gave him flashbacks to the bitter cold and pain felt almost a week before. With that, he remembered Thorin saying he took back what he said on the gate but surely he only said that since he was on his near deathbed? He wasn’t sure if it hurt worse to think he truly meant it or the original animosity was being upheld. His heart felt dull and frozen over, just like the body of water he sat on, desperately missing the now put out flame that had been there. His head was spinning with emotions and it made him nauseous but he felt as though he knew what he would need to do. 

**_Then only for a minute_ **

**_I want to change my mind_ **

**_‘Cause this just don’t feel right to me_ **

**_I wanna raise your spirits_ **

**_I want to see your smile but_ **

**_Know that means I’ll have to leave_ **

Of course, they hadn’t been the first time he had considered it. Actually, he had a dozen times. But in the cave above the goblin lair had been the only time he was nearly successful, before the floor gave in and -- you know the rest of the story. This time, though, it felt even more like a knife in his side. The times he thought about it on an off beat quite early in their journey, he was out of place and the most homesick during that period. His double take before going down those steps to meet Smaug was diffused by already being on his way down the stairs and thinking back to the look Balin gave him before he did. Now -- Now the journey was over and their task complete yet he still felt a moral obligation to stay. No matter his desire, his banishment had yet to be repealed, to his knowledge, and he fully understood if the company were to stand by it. The thought crossed his mind that him leaving would likely be the last time he saw one of Thorin’s soft, genuine smiles and he had to cover his mouth as he blinked back the clouding forming in front of his eyes.

**_Know that means I’ll have to leave_ **

**_Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking_ **

**_I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier_ **

But maybe, just maybe, relieving his burden of a presence would actually be better? Maybe the dwarrows would rejoice? Sure, there’d be some sorrow but mostly on his part he imagined. They wouldn’t have to be expending resources and he had already wrongfully taken his fourteenth share meaning no gold would leave the mountain. Close enough to a win-win situation, right? This depressing downward spiral made him even dizzier and some bile attempted to bite at the back of his throat.

**_When the evening falls_ **

**_And I’m left here with my thoughts_ **

**_And the image of you being with someone else_ **

**_Well, it’s eating me up inside_ **

**_But we ran our course, we pretended we’re okay_ **

**_Now if we jump together, at least we can swim_ **

**_Far away from the wreck we made_ **

As if his head weren’t already a worse prison, it started down the path that he wasn’t needed at all. Whatever he and Thorin had before the dragon sickness was just a figment of his imagination and was nothing short of courtesy. Their hug on the Carrock was tender but was probably just a simple gesture. Any time Thorin advised the company to listen to his precedent was only to save their own hides. And the real kicker, which forced him to curl inwards and start wiping his eyes: there was probably another royal dwarf out there that was intended to be Thorin’s betrothed when the time came about. Which would mean he had only been a placeholder, if that. It was clawing away at him the worst but it would make sense; even though Durin’s line still had surviving heirs (barely), securing kingdoms would always be a possibility. And if something were to happen to the current heirs, more would need to be accounted for. 

These torturous conjectures were beginning to form a pounding headache which would probably turn into a migraine that included vomiting. Realizing these facts, it left him the only option of making his way as quickly but as quietly as he could over to the shallow valley and into the mountain to gather what little belongings he had. The sun was already halfway set so slipping on his ring wouldn’t be necessary but he would have to avoid as many people as he could. 

**_Know that means I’ll have to leave_ **

**_Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking_ **

**_I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier_ **

As he was nearest to Ravenhill, he could take the speedy shot in front of the mountain from the hill to the set up camps. But this would entail needing the ring to disappear from the wide view. On the other hand, going around the backside would bring him closer to where his pack in the elven camp was place but it would take longer to run. The latter still seemed more appealing, especially when eliminating going into the mountain for fear of being caught (not that he still had much there anyway), so he did his best to sprint the route on his short legs.

**_So I’ll go, I’ll go_ **

**_I will go, go, go_ **

**_So I’ll go, I’ll go_ **

**_I will go, go, go_ **

He nearly wiped out in the un-packed snow as he took the large curve to the tent where he had been housed, threatening to skid into anything and everything. His legs became sore the minute he slowed down and his chest was on the verge of heaving painfully. The canvas of the tents were quite thick but he thought to himself that he would just need to slip under the side closest to the corner where his pack was and drag it out from there, avoiding a ruckus as best he could. It seemed simple enough. 

Unsurprisingly, Lady Fate was not on his side today. As soon as he peeped his head under the edge of the side panel, his eyes caught on a tall figure who immediately turned their grey bearded head toward him to meet his gaze;  _ Gandalf _ . He began to tremble so bad his curls went ajar and he pulled his head out with such a quickness that his face was scratched by a few jagged pebbles and bumped his nose so hard on the ground it likely broke some capillaries. He sat on his knees to hastily formulate an escape plan but his anxiety was overtaking everything and before he knew it, he was grasped not just by his coat collar but his shirt collar as well to ensure he didn’t slip out. He knew it was Gandalf who grabbed him and refused to scramble in the air as it was a fight he couldn’t win. The wizard alerted a miscellaneous guard that he requested a private audience with the king and strode towards the mountain, hobbit (who was wiping bits of blood from his face on the back of his hand and wrist) in hand. 

His head was hung in a sad shame the entire time he was carried through the mountains rocky corridors, not bothering to look up at whoever of the company saw him like this, and was neatly deposited on a common room sofa as Gandalf waited outside for Thorin’s appearance. The sofa was quite comfortable but his mind was elsewhere as he brought his knees to his chest and rested his chin on top of them. His nose finally clotted minutes before and the wide scratches running down his cheeks did some preliminary scabbing. Moments later, he heard some chatter outside and was glad it was muffled; most likely talking about his erratic behavior over the past few days. 

He was actually right with that assumption. Gandalf and Thorin had courteously greeted each other before Gandalf let out a mighty sigh to explain the situation.

“I cannot say I fully understand the pretenses of how I caught him but he seemed in a panic when he spotted me. I can only imagine what was running through his head over the last days…”

“You are known for speaking in riddles but what do you mean ‘last days’?” Thorin’s hand was involuntarily rubbing the bandages over his chest from over his simple tunic he wore as he stared upwards with piercing eyes 

“Oh, yes, indeed. It does seem I neglected to inform you… Our hobbit was at your bedside for days until he sped off not long before you awoke. He ran to the ice below the hill and ignored anyone I sent to talk to him. I can only imagine he hadn’t stopped sobbing since you banished him at the gate.” Gandalf had his usual matter-of-fact tone, despite not realizing how this new information was tearing Thorin up inside upon hearing it. The wizard was lucky he didn’t have the strength as of currently to snap that wooden staff with his bare hands. The king could only huff before gingerly beginning to push the door to the common room open. 

His knees almost went weak instantaneously. There was their burglar, curled in on himself upon the sofa, dark circles lining his tired eyes, surely exhausted and starved. It was heart wrenching and all he wanted to do was wrap him up comfortably and tell him it would be alright but he needed to keep his stoic composure. 

“Master Baggins.” He finally greeted.

“ _ Your majesty… _ ” His voice was quite gravelly and the hobbit could admit it was because his throat was sore from crying so much and refusing to talk to anybody. They looked to each other, recognizing the way that the formal title sounded sour coming from his mouth. 

“Gandalf told me of your little… excursion,” Thorin wasn’t quite sure where he was going with this but paced with it anyway, “Might I ask what you were thinking?” 

“Surely, he told I was by Ravenhill for a few days, yes? Well, I did some thinking while I was there,”

**_Lately I’ve been, I’ve been thinking_ **

**_I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier_ **

**_Even though I might not like this_ **

**_I think that you’ll be happier, I want you to be happier_ **

“And I realized… I truly have been nothing but a burden since we left Bag-End and certainly I don’t have a place amongst you all,” This is where he started to choke, “A-and so I came to the conclusion that I… I should leave so you’d be happier…”

Thorin was so stunned that he needed to take a seat and nearly physically gaped. Bilbo declined looking towards him and kept his eyes to the floor as he wiped his big puffy tears on the end of his coat sleeve. 

“Is this what you want?” is all Thorin could manage to mutter.

“D-doesn’t matter much of what I want… Y-you’d be happy and that’s a-all I can ask for…” Most of that was snivelling but it could mostly be understood. 

“Bilbo Baggins, you fool of a hobbit…” Thorin sat closer and basically scooped him into his lap, wrapping his arms around him protectively. One hand came up to cup his cheek and softly rub his thumb against it in a soothingly repetitive motion, noticing his cheeks were almost waxy from being tear-stained for days on end. Bilbo didn’t seem to mind being cradled but his tears began to flow more rapidly and his lip quiver. He was tenderly pressed against Thorin’s chest until his head was taken into two hands and he looked up. 

“All will be well…  _ Vrron vrem eon vrron sweld, mithrim*. _ ” With that Thorin kissed his forehead before digging his face into that neck above him. Thorin sighed and set his chin atop the curls by his throat. It was going to be a rocky path to recovery but it was certainly a start.  

**Author's Note:**

> *"Enough sorrow and enough tear[s], star" ; i'm sure my khuzdul is shit but i tried... anyhoo... i'll be real: idk what this is or why it's so sad. i've been listening to a lot of bastille lately and happier just reminded me of these two. i'm sure nobody will read this because of the tags but that's find. or you can yell at me on my tumblr lotr sideblog mithrilbeard lmao


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